"Say something dirty, anyone can get a laugh. Say something clean and get a laugh, that requires a comedian."
Groucho Marx
Comedian

"It always seems impossible until it's done."
Nelson Mandela
South Africa's first black president

"In writing, you must kill all your darlings."
William Faulkner
Writer

"Your love ran down my leg and now you're gone."
George Carlin
Comedian

"I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts, but I just can't stop eating peanuts."
Orson Wells
Actor, writer, director

"Hello, good evening and welcome."
David Frost
Broadcaster and writer.

"Techno, techno, techno - take no shite."
Dermot Morgan
Comedian

"I have always tried to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is beating at its walls, threatening to undermine it."
Gustave Flaubert
Writer

"Too many tweets make a twat."
David Cameron
During a radio interview

"Guns don't kill people, people do. And the more people with guns, the more the people with guns who kill people, kill people."
Ricky Gervais
Comedian

"Little by little, one travels far."
J.R.R. Tolkien
Author and creator of Middle Earth

"Women are angry with ourselves for not being happier, not being loved properly and not having the ideal body shape - that of a Brazilian transsexual"
Suzanne Moore
Feminist writer

"Be curious. Read widely. Try new things…A lot of what people call intelligence just boils down to curiosity."
Aaron Schwartz
Co-author of RSS and the Creative Commons

"When you get on that plane to go home, if the last thing you think about me is ‘I hate that son of a bitch’, then that is fine because you’re going home alive"
Norman Schwarzkopf
Allied commander in the Gulf War

"I have spent most of the day putting in a comma and the rest of the day taking it out."
Oscar Wilde
Writer

"Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating"
The Pixar Touch

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Neil Armstrong
First man to walk on the Moon

"Get your retaliation in first."
Carwyn James
Welsh rugby coach

"When sleeping women wake, mountains move."
Chinese Proverb

"People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel."
Maya Angelou
Author and poet

"That James Holmes is insane, few may doubt. Our gun laws are also insane, but many refuse to make the connection. The United States is one of few developed nations that accepts the notion of firearms in public hands. In theory, the citizenry needs to defend itself. Not a single person at the Aurora, Colo., theater shot back, but the theory will still be defended."
Roger Ebert
Film critic, on the Colorado cinema shootings that occurred during the showing of Dark Knight Rises

"The people who declare wars, dont fight them."
David Icke
Propoganda Theorist

"If something is going to be better, it is new, and if it’s new you are confronting problems and challenges you don’t have references for. To solve and address those requires a remarkable focus. There’s a sense of being inquisitive and optimistic, and you don’t see those in combination very often."
Jonathan Ive
Designer of popular Apple products

"I am just going outside and may be some time."
Lawrence Oates
Antartic explorer, before walking out to his death.

"Make a great product, then let people know about it. That’s it."
John Gruber
On Apple's marketing strategy.

"Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used."
Richard E. Byrd Jr.
United States Naval Rear Admiral

"When ppl accuse the BBC of having an inherent left wing bias, Jeremy Clarkson is your proof that they're wrong."
Dave Gorman
Stand-up Comedian, via Twitter

"If you can make a better product, then you will sell it."
John Bowers
Founder of Bowers & Wilkins Speakers

"Because what I really believe is, let’s spend a little more time leaving everybody alone. These people who are making a big deal out of gay marriage? I don’t give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of."
Clint Eastwood
Actor / Director

""Liberal" has become a dirty word in America. It's been demonised to a terrifying degree. That's the big problem with the left – they've allowed this to happen, so they've become just as frustrating as the right."
Steven Soderbergh
Director

"You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave."
Quentin Crisp

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."
Al Capone
Mafia boss

"Every day I go to my study and sit at my desk and put the computer on. At that moment, I have to open the door. It's a big, heavy door. You have to go into the Other Room. Metaphorically, of course. And you have to come back to this side of the room. And you have to shut the door. So it's literally physical strength to open and shut the door. So if I lose that strength, I cannot write a novel any more. I can write some short stories, but not a novel."
Haruki Murakami
Author

"Good things come to those who wait, shit tends to show up pretty much straight away, doesn't it?"
Rich Hall
Comedian

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important."
Steve Jobs
Co-founder of Apple, Inc.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
Steve Jobs
Co-founder of Apple, Inc.

Proudly, posted using an Apple iMac. Thank you and good night, Steve.

"If you're up against a smart opponent, make him think himself to death."
C. J. Cherryh

"A good photograph is knowing where to stand."
Ansel Adams
Photographer

"You cannot rouse the animal in man then expect it to be put aside at a moment's notice."
British WWI General
On why his men failed to adjust back to civilian life.

"Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Yeah well, sometimes it's a big brown dick."
George Carlin
Comedian, on businessmen.

"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time."
Leonard Bernstein

"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting."
It's a Woman's World

"Fish don't know they're in water. "
Derek Sivers

"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
Evelyn Waugh

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"Neither a Borrower nor a Lender be"
William Shakespeare

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. "
Mark Twain
Author

"For a young, vital, angry man an asbo often seems better than Asda."
Minnette Marrin
Times Reporter, on British youth culture

"You Americans have plenty of work. You're not going to do the cleaning. You're not going to take out the garbage. That is for the Latino...."
A 56-year-old Honduran Migrant
Whilst challenging a fellow migrant's idealistic dream of America.

"The ancient world was devoid of racism. At the time of Piye's historic conquest of Egypt, the fact that his skin was dark was irrelevant."
Robert Draper

"If Yahoo agrees to the deal with Microsoft, it will be a shotgun marriage, but it will be Google holding the shotgun."
Tim Weber
BBC Journalist

"If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door."
Milton Berle
Actor

One hundredth quote!

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
Calvin and Hobbes
Comic series created by Bill Watterson

"The old saying is wrong—winners do quit, and quitters do win."
Seth Godin
From the description of the book 'The Dip'

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
Lewis Carroll
Author

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"
Robert H. Schuller
Reformed Church Minister, entrepreneur, and author

"I kind of feel like Rudy [Giuliani] thinks 9/11 is his birthday. He gets that excited look on his face and buys himself a cake and lights two candles and watches them burn down..."
Mike Birbiglia
Comedian

"And if a day goes by without my doing something related to photography, it's as though I've neglected something essential to my existence, as though I had forgotten to wake up. I know that the accident of my being a photographer has made my life possible."
Richard Avedon
Photographer, famous for his white background photography

"It is said that the devil never crossed the Tamar into Cornwall on account of the well known habit of Cornish women putting everything into a pasty, and that he was not sufficiently courageous to risk such a fate."
Cornwall Federation of Women's Institutes
From the book 'Cornish Recipies Ancient and Modern, 23rd Edition'

"Men are dogs, and would, to quote an old girlfriend of mine, 'fuck sand if that were the only option.'"
Dylan Jones
From 'Mr Jones' Rules for the Modern Man'

"Anyone who believes in capital punishment should be shot."
Banksy
Graffiti artist

"I can either scrape in there on my belly, wearing camo, and sneak around; or I can stand right there in front, wearing a shirt that says, you know, Don't shoot me. I’m a dick"
Simon Norfolk
Photographer, on how not to get shot in a warzone.

"A lot of people never use their initiative because no one told them to."
Banksy
Graffiti artist

"Comparing digital to traditional photography is a bit like comparing a microwave oven to fire. One has all the ease of use, convenience and speed, but the other has style, exquisite quality and atmosphere."
Wolf Kettler
Photographer

"A cat is a fluffy creature with the wisdom of a Buddhist monk, who spends his time lounging about on assorted items of furniture, when he is not busy with other essential cat things, such as trying to teach me how to become a (better) cat."
Wolf Kettler
Photographer

"At the root of the "Jackass" project is an impulse to deny the superego and approach the universe, with all its hard edges and shark-infested waters, as an enormous, undifferentiated playpen. That, and the impulse to watch a 400-pound woman belly-flop on top of a midget."
Nathan Lee
A New York Times review of Jack Ass Number Two

"My general philosophy in life is you can't go wrong by saying yes."
Richard Branson
Entrepreneur

"Cunt is an English term that refers to the human female genitals. It was replaced after the Norman Conquest, in jargon but not in the common tongue, by the Latin vagina. In London and other English towns in the Middle ages there were roads named Gropecunt Lane..."
Google
Definition of 'cunt'.

"Children who study for a single pass at GCSE are never going to study it at a higher level, but they will be tested on their understanding of the subject. They will enter the adult world equipped to question everything they are told, even if this takes place in the pub."
Graham Wright
A teacher, on the practical use of GCSE Science.

"There's no dignity in dirty porridge bowls."
Libby Purves
Times columnist

"What actually came out was more controlled fury. It was like being lectured by a very angry carrot. "
Ann Treneman
On Charles Kenney, leader of the Liberal Democrats.

"Be a beachcomber, a Parisian wino, an Italian pimp, or a Danish pervert, but stay away from the Armed Forces."
Hunter S. Thompson
Author

"You should never under-estimate the predictability of stupidity"
Guy Ritchie
From 'Snatch'

"Whatever you want to reach, is possible to reach. If you don't get there, you're not trying hard enough."
Andreas H. B. Bitesmich
Photographer

"Lord, you take over!"
Stanley Praimnath
On seeing a plane heading for him in the South Tower of the World Trade Center

"After the wind gave up, the sun shone down. When the man didn't take his coat off right away, the sun mobilized a network of space-based particle-beam weapons, incinerating the offending coat and the man who had worn it. "
Rob Collins
From Gabe Hudson's Dear Mr President Letters

"The creative act lasts but a brief moment, a lightning instant of give-and-take, just long enough for you to level the camera and to trap the fleeting prey in your little box."
Henri Cartier-Bresson
French photographer

"They say true happiness in life is found in small doses. Like a hug from a friend. Like a really good cookie. "
Lee Herold
Web Cartoonist

"At 5,000 feet you could smell the flesh burning."
Unknown
Description of the burning of 100,000 Tokyo citizens in a single night in 1945.

"This is the captain. We may experience some turbulence and then explode."
Joss Wheaton
From 'Serenity, the movie.'

"Decides to form the International Coaliton of Indecisive People. Then changes his mind."
Tatsuya Ishida
Theories on his current whereabouts

"I like my women like I like my coffee; in a plastic cup."
The Fast Show
British comedy series.

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."
V.
From 'V for Vendetta' by Alan Moore, illustrated by David Lloyd.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
and Germany doesn't want to go to war..."
Chris Rock
Comedian

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
Rita Rudner

"When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion."
C. P. Snow

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them."
Mark Twain

"In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from."
Peter Drucker

"Who do I have to sleep with around here to get a good orgasm?"
Tatsuya Ishida - Cartoonist

"Father,
I'm afraid I may
have to die tonight.
I'd rather die...than wait
I have waited eighteen years,
since that night....
since all sense left my life.
You've eaten Gotham's wealth.
Its spirit.
Your feast is nearly over.
From this moment on...
None of you are safe.
How father?
How do I do it?
What do I use...
to make them afraid? "
Frank Miller
Batman: Year One Deluxe Edition

"Love not what you are, but what you may become."
Miguel de Cervantes

"Even if my son thought frogs were little dogs, I would still support his intelligence."
Sarah Bateman - Singer

"I'm single, and I'm okay with that. Really. Being single is a choice. It's not my first choice..."
Graham Norton
During a stand-up performance

"O my god...ppl are becoming taller than me...i feel like I'm shrinking."
Kieron Humphries - 2002
As he realised he would grow no more

"I know everything about my work except the content."
Tatsuya Ishida
From Sinfest, the web-comic

"Google. ... What do you call yourself? ... You're
an immigrant spick millionaire, who can't stop talking about money..."
A Google Summary

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Pablo Picasso

"The time of getting fame for your name on its own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a bi-product of making something that means something. You don't go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a shit."
Banksy
Graffiti artist

"Handle the gravy carefully. Where is the paint brush? Where are you, Hermon?"
Bleuler, 1911
The writing of a schizophrenic individual, displaying loose association.

"Every day spent with you is like having a caesarian section"
David Sedaris
From 'Me Talk Pretty One Day'

"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have."
Eckhart Tolle
Author of 'The Power of Now' , a self help book.

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up."
Booker T. Washington

"An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. "
Friedrich Engels
Co-author of the Communist Manifesto

"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
Reggie Leach

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. "
Albert Einstein
He was terrible at maths

"For me as a National Socialist, these creatures [handicapped children] obviously represent only a burden for our healthy national body."
Hermann Pfannmüller, 1939
An example of Nazi thoughts.

About the Quotelog

The Quotelog is a very simple idea.

It is a collection of quotes compiled by Kieron Heath, a photographer.

I have no idea what a quote collector is called.

I even Google'd it.

Let's call one a Spoingeiger.

Why not.

If you have interesting quotes, send them to me:

kieron [at] gmail [dot] com.

Or do something else.

"A cup is made of bottom and sides. But its use lies in its emptiness."
Lau Tzu
Relevance to bamboo

"What keeps 'The Matrix' relevant is its unconventional subtext that a great leather trench coat may well be the best defense."
The New York Times

"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs."
P. J. O'Rourke

"It is better to abolish serfdom from above than to wait until the serfs begin to liberate themselves from below."
Tsar Alexander II
On the emancipation of the serfs

"Smack me up...I'm hungry."
Part of 'Bite Me' ad
You all should use this

"No more frothem gossip, please."
Chris Reynolds
English lecturer

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police"
Jeff Marder
Via Gurdain

"That's what I get for having a big allowance - no money."
Kieron

"Jeeves do you know what a fucking ferry boat is?"
Google query
To B.com

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
Fats Domino

"Please help me. He breaths funny."
"Kill him."
"I might do, with a large knife."
Kieron and Sarah
In a written conversation next to David

"anal sex" "now i like it"
Google query
To B.com

"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
Woody Allen

"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
Douglas Adams / Writer
'Mostly Harmless'

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
John Benfield

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Mark Twain / Writer

"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."
-Aaron Machado

"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't."
-Anon

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."
-Robert Benchley / Writer

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."
-Woody Allen

"Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen."
-Bob Edwards

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles M. Schulz

"There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun."
-Pablo Picasso / Painter

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."
-General Douglas MacArthur

"I think it would be a good idea."
-Mahatma Gandhi
On western civilization

"How can I lose to such an idiot?"
-Aaron Nimzovich / Chessmaster
Shouted

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
-Umberto Eco

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-Thomas Edison / Inventor

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."
- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
-Winston Churchill / Politician

"Waiting for the German verb is surely the ultimate thrill"
-Flann O'Brien / Writer

"When you do Shakespeare they think you must be intelligent because they think you understand what you're saying."
-Helen Mirren / Actress